Focus on the Family Community: Relationships and Marriage ...

HisWayOnly,

Let me echo the words already shared; thanks so much for your post and sharing your struggle with others on this forum. The Lord certainly cares for you, your husband and your marriage. I'm Glenn, one of the counselors here at Focus on the Family.

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The yearning of your heart- "Lord, how long?" is understandable. No one wants to be taken advantage of and betrayed day after day. It's hard to know what to do with a painful infidelity that drags out over time. I agree that God wants us to rely upon Him for guidance and direction. It can be difficult at times to know His leading, what steps to take, and when to take them.

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You mentioned that you were familiar with Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. You're correct in saying that it suggests an ultimatum, of sorts. As a counselor, I can say with confidence that the implementation of it provides the best path towards healing and reconciliation. I don't mean that if a person uses the approach that it's a guarantee that healing will happen in the marriage, but it's a response to a spouse that best conveys the balance of acceptance and accountability. I don't think acceptance by itself works very well, nor accountability alone. I think those two are consistent with God's response towards us. In John 8:11, when Jesus spoke to the woman who had been caught in adultery, he said, "Then neither do I condemn you...Go now and leave your life of sin." Acceptance tends to provide the safety for change to happen. Accountability provides the motivation for it in many cases.

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I'm certainly not trying to dissuade you from seeking to be obedient to the Lord. You have to grapple with that all important question. I do believe, though, that it's hard to raise any concern when a person says that God is telling them to do this or that. Some people, and I'm not saying that this fits for you, are petrified by the thought of not being married any longer. For some it might be the fear of abandonment, for others it may be the fear of loneliness. For some it may be God's direction for their lives.

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On a practical level, Christians need to address the concern of what to do when a spouse is clearly being unfaithful to the marriage. You mentioned that you felt infidelity as grounds for divorce is only there because of our propensity to whine. That might be true if the Old Testament consequence for it wasn't so strong. Infidelity is a complete affront to God's holiness, and the consequence that He issued - death, speaks to the damage that it causes in a marriage. I'm not saying that healing can't happen in a marriage affected by the sin of adultery. In fact, there are times where a marriage can end up stronger than it was before. But when that happens, it's not because of the sin, it's because of the repentance and rawness that can lead to lasting healing.

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How does a spouse who is being betrayed by a spouse's infidelity look forward?? You mentioned that your husband will come to faith and will repent. That is my hope and prayer as well, but I don't see a guarantee of it as you do. The reason I say that has to do with Paul's words in I Corinthians 7:16- "How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?" As important and valuable as salvation is, he doesn't appear to be giving a guarantee that it will happen in a spouse. I wish there was a promise for you. And, in reality, there is; God will be with you right in the midst of all the stuff that you are going through. He loves you and He will never forsake you.

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When a spouse's unfaithfulness continues, resentment and hostility will likely build in the spouse who is being betrayed. Over time, those emotions will do further damage to the marriage and can decrease the likelihood of repair. Part of the reason for setting a boundary of "no more" is to respect yourself. I believe there is an appropriate place for self-respect that isn't self-aggrandizing.

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Please feel free to give us a call to speak with one of our counselors if you would like. It would be our honor to talk with you.

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Know that others will be praying for you and your husband. I do pray that he would come to his senses and repent of his sin. If that happens or not, know how deeply the Father prizes and love you! You are in our prayers.

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Glenn, LMFT

Focus on the Family counselor

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